Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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