Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
