I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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