Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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