Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
