You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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