My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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