Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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