I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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