just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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