My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
