I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
