My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
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OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️