I'm gonna have a badass scar
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?