Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
