I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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