i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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