he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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