Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
