why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
