The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
