last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
