I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
