I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
