If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
