You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
