Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
