It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
