I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
