I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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