Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
