Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
