I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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