when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
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After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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