so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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