I think I am morally bankrupt
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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