If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
