i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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