I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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