Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
