I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
