Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
