Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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