Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
