he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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