I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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