Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
