Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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