Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
