what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
