and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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