Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
