So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
