remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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