I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
