on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Mom said you looked used
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I still have a little drunk in my system
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
