i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
