I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Sober January is a disaster.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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