I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
