Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
