I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My breasts were aching with rage.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
