this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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