You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
