Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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